A wooden cart rolls into town, and a man with a very fancy hat and curly mustache hops out in the middle of the town square. He has a product you don’t want to miss. Do you suffer from aches and pains after a hard day of work? Back aches? Does your tooth hurt? Whatever your ailment, Doc Serpent’s Patented All-Relief Ointment will alleviate your pain and cure your headaches. It’s a special formula discovered by an ancient Shaman made from Cerebrus Root that is scientifically proven to make you better looking, too.
Our town barker is a snake oil salesman, and the modern equivalent can be seen every day on TV hawking Sham-Wows. Those of you surfing the internet these days looking for all of the most up-to-date info on growing a beard have probably run into Beard Culture’s very own oil salesman. The Beard Oil Salesman.
Let’s dispense with the obvious first. YOU DON’T NEED BEARD OIL TO GROW A BEARD! To grow a beard, all you do is follow one simple rule: STOP FUCKING SHAVING.
Nearly every article you read on the internet about growing a beard talks about beard oil and beard vitamins. You’ll notice that the authors of these articles also happen to sell beard oil and beard vitamins. Gee whiz, what a coincidence.
Yes, they do point out that you should stop shaving, as if that wasn’t obvious. Most of these articles also deal with how long you should commit to the difficult act of not doing something that you hate anyway. But every damn one of them brings up beard oil and … holy shit … did they just say “beard” vitamins.
There is no such thing as beard vitamins. There are just vitamins. Someone is taking the equivalent of Flinstone Chewables and throwing them in a bottle with a really badass beard label. That beard label sure is badass, but those vitamins are just regular vitamins that you can buy at the grocery store for a few bucks for 500 pills. And you don’t even need those. Just get your vitamins from doing weird stuff like eating actual food. Anyone that tells you that taking a special vitamin will help your beard grow almost certainly sells beard vitamins, and if they also sell “beard coaching” then you should punch them in the face, grow a better, more badass beard than them for free, and steal their woman.
When growing a beard for the first time, that smooth girly virgin face of yours might get itchy because it hasn’t had time to adjust to the rigors of not having a vagina. But it will. Itchiness is just those glorious hairs curving around and poking you in your unaccustomed skin. The itchiness is cured by doing the following: STOP SHAVING, grow a pair of testicles, and suck it up man-baby. Itchiness just goes away. All by itself. If you can stop shaving for two weeks, then the itchiness will have completely subsided.
As the hair on your face grows, you’ll learn that it is very different from the hair on your head. It’s probably wirier, and you’ll have some hairs that poke out in all kinds of crazy directions. It might be a little unwieldly depending on your facial hair genetics, and it will most certainly not be as soft and cuddly as those specimens on your head.
At this point, the Beard Oil Salesman will tell you that beard oil will save the day and get you hot women. And maybe it can help … at $25 for a one-ounce bottle. It costs a lot to print those badass beard labels, after all. But if you find yourself in this situation, where you want a softer, more cuddle friendly beard, then you have a couple of options.
- Screw it. Be a man, let that shit grow wild, and let your confidence and intelligence (and fat stack of cash you’ll have after reading this blog) get you all the worthwhile females you need.
- Use your girlfriend’s conditioner.
- Buy some beard oil without the badass beard label in the grocery store for a few dollars for a year supply. Oh, and you can cook tasty stuff with it, too.
I use conditioner for my beard. I don’t even use special conditioner. I use whatever my wife buys for her hair, and it works a treat. You end up with a nice, soft beard with fewer of those crazy stragglers, since they tend to lie down with a little conditioner encouragement. I usually condition those glorious whiskers every time I hit the shower.
I also shampoo my beard about once or twice a week. Not every day. The reason I don’t shampoo every day is because you make your own beard oil right there on your face. You can feel it after a long day. On your skin, it makes you feel all icky, but on your beard it gets nice and soft.
Some people find this kind of disgusting. That oily shit that comes out of our pours? You just let that sit right there on your beard for days? Let me answer by asking this question: what do you think beard oil is? It’s oil. Not chemically dissimilar from the oils we produce naturally. Oh, and you make it for friggin’ free.
Sometimes you do give that beautiful beast a good scrub, and it really does feel good. You get out of the shower and you realize you’ve got a big date and need a soft, luxurious, glorious, and supreme badass beard. You might think about reaching for the computer to order some Bert’s Badass Beard Oil for Manly Men That Score Hot Women. I’m here to tell you not to.
If you really want some supreme beard oil, then go to your local grocery store and buy coconut oil. It’s cheap, and thanks to health product Snake Oil Salesmen like Dr. Oz, it really is in every grocery store. Take a small amount of coconut oil, rub it between your fingers to “melt” it, and start working it into those whiskers. There you go. Badass Beard Oil. It’s got a picture of a coconut on it, instead of a badass beard, but you’re the only one who sees it and what’s so bad about coconuts, anyway?
Take a look at what “beard” oil is made from. Most beard oils are made from the combination of what is called a carrier oil, and then an essential oil. The carrier oil is usually either coconut or jojoba oil. The essential oil is a smelly oil. You mix a small amount of the essential oil into a large amount of the carrier oil. The reason is that if you place that smelly essential oil on your face, it burns. A lot. The carrier oil is what does the trick, anyway. Those essential oils are there to smell good. If you like smelling like a perfumed woman, then I highly recommend the smelliest essential oiled “beard” oil you can get your hands on.
If you just want soft whiskers, then get coconut oil. It makes up 99% of what’s in “beard” oil, anyway. Plus, coconut smells good without smelling like you’re trying to cover up a bad fart. If you have to smell like jasmine or mint or jolly ranchers, then you can buy essential oils and DIY some premium beard oil. The Art of Manliness has some DIY beard oil recipes for you that will cost a fraction per ounce. An enterprising young Money Bearder could even make a nice side-hustle out of it by making and selling “beard” oil to people that like spending money on useless shit and that have no interest in retiring before they’re 30. It doesn’t cost much at all to print a full color badass beard label on your ink-jet printer. Or do it black-and-white style. That’s cheaper, and you can claim you’re going for a retro look. Hipsters love that stuff, and they’re exactly the crowd that would drop stupid coin on something like “beard” oil.
Beard oil runs from $25 to $40 per ounce. So you know, silver costs half of that. Beard vitamins with fancy beard labels cost $25 for a month supply. Coconut oil and buying zero dumbass vitamins? 30 cents per ounce. Same effect, way different price.
In summary, don’t buy beard oil. It’s snake oil. Even good old fashioned olive oil is better and cheaper. Spray some Pam on that bitch if you really want to, but don’t worry about spending money on beard oil.
This blog is about growing that glorious beard and growing a fat stack of cash. You do that by not shaving and not spending so much of your hard earned dollars. By skipping something stupid like beard oil, you get to save as much as $65 per month. You make more than $11,500 over the course of ten years by simply not buying some stuff you don’t need. Your beard will be more glorious, as well. Beards and Money. Let ‘em grow.